There are many definitions of what depression is, but I became interested in what it meant for me.
I began unpacking it curiously, noticing the contents.I decided to stop trying to change it and decided to study it, for myself.
As I let my awareness go into the deep agonizing pool, it started seeming like a container.
First, I noticed frustration coming out. Then, dread, regret, sadness, and anger.
I continued to open the container labeled depression as I realized it was holding all the little emotional reactions
I’d had throughout my day at work.
Depression was the place I put my repressed feelings when I was too busy to deal with them.
When I wasn’t able to get ‘messy’ at work, I packed them away in my steel vault. I would deal with that later.
As my depression vault became full, I would seal it with apathy, making sure nothing escaped.
Apathy was my coping mechanism that worked to protect my vault. I noticed this partnership as I unpacked the vault, feeling each emotion fully, lessoning apathy with each release.
>I also realized that each time I locked away an emotion that came up from an interaction of reaction, the more vital energy I lost.
The energy would be directed into the vault, leaving me with blocked creative channels.
The more these creative channels were blocked the more I’d feel lifeless, dead, and empty. It made sense in a way it never had.
I once looked at depression as something that just came over me. Now, I could see there cause and effect involved.
It happened gradually until it seemed to suddenly shut me down because I’d stifled all of my creative flow of energy (emotions).
At first, it felt like a bottomless container.
I feared I might be crying for months. The biggest challenge was trying to plan my emotions around work.
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