My Mamaw passed 6 days ago. I was able to spend several days and two full nights with her before she passed. In hindsight, I realized she was having, what they refer to as, a rally, for the time I spent with her.
At the time, I thought she was getting better. One of the gifts she gave me, during this rally, was being able to interact with her for the final days. She even called me by name and seemed to know exactly what was going on around her.
Her dementia had been unpredictable. Most days, she did not recognize her loved ones. In the rest home, she even watched t.v. right next to her brother and did not make the connection.
So, to see her looking right at me and calling my name, was a precious gift. She knew all of us for those twelve beautiful and challenging days.
I have deep philosophical questions as a result of the last full night I spent with her. The experiences have deeply affected my soul. I sat holding her hand because she wanted someone at her side and she was very affectionate.
Every time I reached over to adjust covers, she would grab me for a long hug. She was so beautiful, even as she struggled to get comfort. Neither one of us gotsleep, but she gave it her best shot.
One minute she was hot, throwing her nightgown and all the covers to the floor. The next minute, she was needing extra blankets. She struggled in constant pain. Nothing seemed to work. She would look at us and ask us to help. She seemed to be fighting more than just the pain. She seemed afraid. At the time, it did not make complete sense.
I felt helpless but was determined to do something…anything. I decided to start invoking angels hoping to soothe her soul. I was asking them to let her know it was okay, that she was safe.
I was also asking them to surround her with love and to ease her suffering. I started noticing when I would do this, she would react.
She would get agitated and put her hands up in front of her face. She acted like the room was full of nurses trying to give her medicine or food.
She would look toward the foot of her bed and say, “no, I don’t need anything.” My sister and I were the only ones in the room and we were just sitting next to her.
She was not looking or talking to us though. This continued. I would call the angels in and ask for their help, and she would dismiss them.
Later in the evening, her pain and discomfort seemed to be escalating. My sister, mom, aunt, and myself were standing at her bedside.
I started silently calling in angels with even more energy and pleading with them to ease her pain while filling her with peace. Her eyes were closed and I had one of her hands.
Then suddenly, she looked right at me and asked, “do you have to do that?” I was shocked by her response. I had not moved at all and the dialog was just in my head, but she was well aware of what was happening energetically.
A little later, she looked at my sister and started pointing to the corner, saying, ” there is one over there, and there, and there.” She was seeing the angels and even counting them.
You have to understand, my grandmother was never a spiritual person. I never heard her talking about angels. She would go to church, but only for my grandpa. After he passed, she never went. She never really understood my spiritual pursuits. It was something we just didn’t discuss.
Out of Body & Other Loved Ones
She began speaking with loved ones that had passed on and talking about Joyce. Joyce was her sister that died shortly after birth. She was asking for her. She had many conversations with loved ones. They were normal conversations like they were standing in the room with her.
In the night, she would say, “I’m so sorry”. Then, she would say, ” I just can’t”. After a while, it changed to, “she just can’t”. She seemed to be referring to herself in the third person. She sweetly whispered, “She has been so sick”. Then, she innocently asked, “is she dead?”. Then, she would say, “she is in trouble”. We would tell her that she was safe and she would calm down. One time she cried out, “my soul!”.
She was saying, “she is in trouble”, and acting afraid. I began to invoke Archangel Michael for clearing and protection. I was asking him to clear the room, her body, our bodies, and to fill everything with love. She had her eyes closed and I was holding her hand, invoking Michael silently.
After a few minutes, I opened my eyes. She had her eyes wide open and was staring at me. Previously, she had been unresponsive to my sister and I.
My sister had been holding her other hand and watching her. She said her eyes just popped open as she looked right at me. At first, it frightened me, but I continued. Then, she started coughing. After that, she calmed for a bit.
I called Archangel Michael, one more time, later in the night, when she was moaning in her sleep. I was sitting next to her, holding her hand. She was asleep and I could only see her if I leaned forward. I leaned back and silently started invoking Archangel Michael again.
I was asking him to clear her body of pain, suffering, and any negative energies. I asked him to fill her with peace, love, and light. I also asked him to fill the room and building with love.
I asked him to surround it all with protective light and to stay with her for guidance. When I opened my eyes, she was sitting up very close to me and staring again. It scared me. The look in her eyes did not look frightened. It looked curious and slightly stern. She never said anything. After I spoke to her, she leaned back and closed her eyes again.
She seemed to be between worlds…partly here and partly in the spirit realm. She expressed repeatedly how she was not ready, or “not needing anything”.
She remained restless for two more days. One day she physically tried to get out of bed for hours. She was unable to get out of bed or walk by herself. She normally did not even desire or attempt this. This day, my mom was staying with her and spent hours trying to keep her from hurting herself. Eventually, they got her into a chair, but she was trying to get out of that too. She was just trying to go! They told us about Terminal Restlessness and let us know it is a common occurrence.
I asked Mamaw to let me know she was okay. I wanted to know that she had made it to the other side completely. I was trying not to worry, but it was on my mind. I could not seem to relax. At the same time, I did not want to be holding her with my worry. I just kept letting the thoughts go as they came up.
Last night, I woke up feeling her. It felt like she was in the room and I was instantly enveloped in a warm peace. It covered my body like a blanket, or a big hug. This peace filled my body and I instantly relaxed. I could feel her love and knew she was better than okay. I told her I loved her and fell into a gentle sleep.
You were red carpet ready even around the house
Never afraid to speak your mind
The most popular dancer in the room (even in your 80’s)
The scent of Gardenias
A perfect example of the lady I’d like to be
I miss your loving touch, your sparkling blue eyes and your strong voice, with that ever-present hint of necessary defiance…whispering to my soul,
“Always Remember Who You Are Dear One. Never let life break your spirit”.
That is what I say to you Mamaw, for your journey Home.