Sometimes We Have to Let Go of What We Love The Most
In 1997, I gave away all of my belongings, walked away from my high paying sales job to move to the mountains of North Carolina. In 1998, I became an Ishaya Monk, vowing my life to God.
I surrendered what was left of myself to the will of God. It was a joyful choice and most certainly my life path. I knew it the moment I stepped out of the car on a cold January night in 1997.
My heart was filled immediately with an unspoken bliss. I knew what others meant when they said something made their heart sing.
I had stepped out of the car and into a higher realm, a parallel reality, a modern day Avalon. This place was surrounded by mountains and had an almost tangible stillness.
I began to meet other people. There were about 300 people comprised of volunteers, teacher trainees, and graduated teachers.
They were all brought together through the practice of Ascension an advanced form of meditation. The focus of the group was appreciation, gratitude, and love.
It was not like anything I’d experienced before. I was surrounded with genuinely unconditionally loving people.
They had found their own inner love and peace. As a result, they freely had love to give. It was not a fake intellectual, this-is-how-I-should act love.
It was deep, real and almost intimidating. Intense was a close adjective to describe it. I’d been in hippy fests of love and peace.
I only then realized the true difference in giving energy and taking energy when it comes to love.
One was from a place of I am so full of Divine Love that it carries over to everyone I interact with.
The other is from a place of when I hug or touch you, it feels really good and fills me up. Let’s have a puppy pile!
I realize this is a huge generalization and not every free spirited person fits into this category. I was just trying to show a distinction in energy.
I left the organization in 2005 and was thrust back into a regular job. The collective mind chatter was a huge contrast.
It was jarring initially. I would go home and cry after work. I was utterly lost. I still practiced sinking into stillness, but gradually my practice became less of a priority, but the vows I took were still very alive inside me.
The hardest thing I was led to do was to let go of that path completely. I was being asked to let it go, but I did not know how. This was my path to God.
How could I let that go? It was evident that was necessary, but I’d grown attached to the practice rather than the place it took me. This was one of the hardest lessons of my life.
It felt like I was being asked to give up God and my love for Source. I was angry for quite a while. I felt not only betrayed by God but most of all by myself. I did not know how to face the world.
The despair took over and I became lost for years. I would hide every chance I got and became agoraphobic.
I did not want to face others, the world or myself. I stopped meditating. I dove into a dark night of the soul, turning to drugs and alcohol to numb the pain.
Yet, still God was there…waiting for me to come back to my heart. I had to dig my way out and find a spark of fire inside.
I began studying Shamanism, returned to meditation and found that my path had never gone. God had never abandoned me.
I had not even abandoned myself. I sank into the depths of Silence like I’d never been separate and realized this was the point.
It was a painful and necessary part of getting to where I am today.
I now know that the path is inside me. I am led to circumstances, individuals, and events as a result of my inner journey. My inner focus determines the movement of the flow of consciousness, which brings teachers into my path.
The significance is no longer on the path. The path is an outward flow of an inner love.
I have practiced with other teachers and each one has had an essential part in activating an inner remembering.
The difference now is that it is not about the teacher but the inner blossoming of truth inside. I never lost the path or the teacher. I never turned my back on God. It has been inside all along.
The only thing we can ultimately lose is the attachment to illusion. Truth can never be lost. It doesn’t go anywhere, even when we feel lost.
It is only judgment that tells us we are lost. Judgment tells us we are in control. It says we can make a decision and lose it all.
We can lose things but what is actually lost? What are we left with when we lose it all? Have you ever tried to stop loving someone?
What about that relief you feel when you finally admit to yourself that you love someone, even if they are gone?
Divine Love can never be taken away. It exists within us, as us.