Standing Up to the Verbal Abuser in Your Mind

Standing Up to the Verbal Abuser in Your Mind- Misha Almira

Standing Up to the Verbal Abuser in Your Mind

For years, I’d been doing my best to recover from verbal abuse. It felt like a part of me had been stolen.

I tried to identify how and when it happened, with little success. It was subtle at first.

I would just notice how a conversation left me feeling weak and full of self-doubt.
Then, there would be obvious condescending remarks brushed off as joking.

In heated arguments the real zingers would smack me across the head, stunning me into submission. I’d never been talked to like that before! Not out loud.

I excused it because everyone says things they don’t mean when they are angry.

After several different relationships and a few controlling bosses, I started seeing a pattern.

What was the common denominator in all of the verbally abusive relationships?

Me.

It was hard to swallow. Then, I remember the first time I caught The Abuser in action, inside my head and feeling absolutely humiliated.

All these years, I wondered how I could allow someone else to talk to me this way, with so little respect, so much disgust.

Now, I was realizing the abusive voice was coming from inside me first, not the other way around.

Inner Abuser - Misha Almira

It hadn’t started with these grown-up relationships, it started when I still a young girl.

I had no one else to blame. I tried to blame my dad, but it didn’t work because this was happening in real time. Plus, I knew I would never be able to control or change another person’s behavior.

Plus, I knew I would never be able to control or change another person’s behavior.

I was the one deciding on some level to perpetuate it.

Is it possible that all of these condescending men were just a perfect reflection of how I was treating myself?

The voice in my head was good at convincing me that I was inferior to other people even though, I had more experience.

It was never satisfied with my progress. I was never good enough. Isn’t this how I felt when these men talked to me? Isn’t this how I felt when my dad talked to me?

It still wasn’t about them, though. I still chose to listen to the voice inside when they were not around, which brought it back to me again.

I clearly saw that no one has power over me unless I give that power away.

I always thought taking my power back looked like leaving or fighting back, but this was different.

I just didn’t know what it meant or what to do about it. If I couldn’t change them and it wasn’t about leaving or fighting back, what could I do?

How to Stand Up to the Verbal Abuser

How do we stand up to the Verbal Abuser inside or outside of us? It is the same for both. We stop the cycle of verbal abuse. We stop playing the game by their rules.

  • We accept what is happening objectively.
  • We acknowledge how we feel.
  • We take responsibility for our part in it (not by finding blame.)
  • We drop it.
  • We make a different choice.

I had to start by acknowledging what was happening and what part of me felt threatened. That is when I found that part that was threatening as well.

Inside each of us is an aspect of the abuser and the victim.

When we can fully accept both of these parts and find compassion for them, allowing them to heal, we can find our power within again.

Then, the outward projection either stops or has less of a pull on us. They can throw anything at us that they choose, but we have a choice to catch it or not.

The Abuser can throw anything at us that it chooses, but we don’t have to catch it. We don’t have to hold it either. We can just drop it or move out of the way.

When we get out of reaction mode, we can decide to move toward what we truly want.

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We can drop in a little deeper and come from our own authentic creativity. First, we have to get out of fight or flight.

We can stop and notice how we feel, before immediately attacking or fleeing.

Just breathing into it can give a whole new perspective and help us see what experience we would rather have.

We can stop to breathe in compassion, acceptance, honoring, and love.  This is a more empowering choice.

It is amazing how it can shift the situation into a more positive direction.

 
How Not Love Yourself Can Ruin Your Life- Misha Almira
 

How Not Loving Yourself Can Ruin Your Life

 
I’d been sabotaging my success for years, and it all originated from this Inner Voice.
 
Every time I’d find a relationship I was proud of and someone I could be happy with, The Abuser would step in, convincing me it wasn’t enough, I wasn’t enough, it wouldn’t last.
 
I’d either push them away, or they would push me away. I felt powerless in it, but I wasn’t. The voice would become bigger than my resolve and I would quit.
 
It happened in every aspect of my life. I worked hard to get an adorable beach house right on the water. It was perfect and I loved it so much.
 
Then, I sabotaged it and lost it. It broke my heart. The same happened with jobs and business. I’d get the dream job and lose it. I’d have success in business and then sabotage would take over again.
 
It made no sense for so long. My life was a constant struggle to stay above the water.
 
Healer after Healer would tell me to love myself, but I didn’t know what that meant, not fully.
 
When we don’t love ourselves, it doesn’t just hurt us, it hurts every aspect of our lives, including the ones we love the most.
 
It is difficult to see while we are in this vicious cycle, that we are pushing love and all good things away from us.
 
It is exhausting for everyone involved, especially us.
 
Even if we do get to the point that we realize, it IS us and we DO need to love ourselves, most of us do not know how.
 
If we did, we would already be doing it, right?
 

How Do I Love Myself?

 
I asked myself this question repeatedly. Ways would show up, but I didn’t always recognize them, much less practice them.
 
What I have discovered about self-love it is something we can practice. It comes over time by making little choices over and over again.
 
It isn’t one big decision made once and we are done. It is choosing to honor and love ourselves in the moment repeatedly that blossoms into a healthy love.
 
Just a relationship with an animal or another person, the more we nurture it, the more it will grow. With that in mind,
 
I have found certain ways of cultivating it more deeply.
 
The Mirror
 
I learned this exercise years ago and practiced it inconsistently. When I finally decided to commit to it, I noticed a significant difference in my level of self-love. The Abuser’s voice began to go silent and my life started reflecting more love.
 
It doesn’t take long to shift with this exercise.
 
1. Sit in front of a mirror or hold a mirror up to your face
2. Look into your left eye
3. Breathe deeply a few times, thinking, “I love you.”
4. Continue to look into your left eye.
 
It is important to keep contact with the left eye. You may notice your face changing, or emotions starting to arise. You may start seeing visions or you may see nothing but your eye.
 
The practice is to stay with it.
 
 
I want to share an experience I had as an example
 
My face started changing very quickly into different faces. I saw men, women, and then it stopped for a bit on a young girl.
 
They all had my eyes but were very different. As they changed, I had different feelings arising. No matter what came up, I came back to, “I love you.”
 
The girl in the mirror would become afraid, but I would keep reassuring her. Then, it changed into a dark figure with piercing evil eyes. I stayed with it and came back to, “I love you, I am not going to leave you.”
 
The dark face faded and it continued. Some were beautiful, some were frightened. Some were guarded. They were all a part of me. My job is to accept all of them and love them.
 
You may find yourself crying or laughing. Allow all of it. It can be profoundly healing.
 
Take every opportunity you can to stop and tell yourself, “I love you and I will not abandon you for anything.”
 
Even if you don’t feel it at first, do it anyway. It makes a difference.
Thank you for reading. 

 

Please visit my recommended PRODUCTS PAGE for more information on how to make a difference once and for all.

Misha Almira

P.S. I would love your feedback. Please comment below. 

Also, if you have experienced feeling stuck in the past or problems moving forward in a bigger way, visit Work With Misha

3 thoughts on “Standing Up to the Verbal Abuser in Your Mind”

  1. Wow!! It was difficult for me even to finish the article. I was crying like crazy, and I though I was getting better after going to counseling and is obviously I had more help!!!
    Thank you I will keep trying specially this exercise.

    1. So beautiful, Erika. Thank you for sharing this. It is a constant unfolding awareness into deeper levels as we are ready to see. It sounds like you are doing deep work. That takes such courage. I honor you for being brave enough to fully love yourself. We are all in this together. Much love to you. Please keep in touch.

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