Wabi Sabi of Ayahuasca Healing
It has become obvious it is time to listen to my body and inner guidance.
I have been trying to get away with ignoring certain aspects, hoping to indulge a little longer.
I want to share this experience as it is happening because I feel like I am unraveling. In writing this, I will go against my perfectionist nature and practice imperfection.
My mind is far from clear and my emotions are all over the place. Nothing makes logical sense right now.
Last night I tossed and turned throughout the night. I kept waking up feeling tormented by heavy memories only they were not clear to me.
I did this a handful of times during the night. I did my best to come back to mantras of compassion and love with very little relief. I did it anyway.
This morning I feel like my world has been turned upside down. I am not sure how exactly to pinpoint it.
I just feel like my calm lotus pond inside has been stirred and all the muk is coming to the surface.
It feels dirty, like someone went into the dark reaches of my psyche and started dragging it all out. I feel deeply disturbed and bothered. Yet, I don’t know exactly what is wrong.
There isn’t a story that goes with it, just feelings.
I don’t think it is an accident considering I booked my flight to Peru a few days ago. Right after that, I intuitively sensed Ayahuasca was already working on me.
I started remembering things from my childhood and have become very emotional. I have been seeing images I’d like to forget.
When I was young, my bunnies were attacked by dogs while being trapped in wire cages. I’ve tried for years to escape this memory. My memories of losing pets are coming up. The pain in my heart is almost unbearable.
It feels like there is a huge spring cleaning going on inside my psyche and it is not comfortable at all.
My heart feels heavy, these disturbing images of childhood keep coming up.
I want relief but there is no place to run…from myself. Some of the parts that are being stirred up for cleaning are just out of reach for my conscious mind so I am just getting the emotions.
It feels like grief, the way it just sits on your heart and burdens your thoughts.
I am not certain how to handle it so I am just breathing and doing my best to stay in a place of inner surrender.
The thought of sleeping all day is extremely appealing but I want to be present with it as much as possible.
There was a common feeling while experiencing Aya that is similar to what I’m feeling.
When I could feel the medicine starting to work, there was a knowing that I was being taken somewhere but usually just an intuitive sense.
I’d get a feeling of the place first. Then, I’d feel myself going there. The feeling always came first. It would be feelings of dread, bliss, terror, awe, a warm safe feeling, trust, etc…
It was a wide variety of emotions but it seemed beyond the analytical mind. This is similar.
I feel tainted, dirty, toxic energy with remnants of guilt and shame.
If I had a visual it would be murky dark brown water filling my torso.
Now my heart feels like it is stretching, threatening to crack open.
My head feels an odd pressure like it is getting bigger.
The back of my neck is expanding and it feels like limbs are reaching into my skull.
They are wrapping around my skull around my ears.
I went to visit my family this weekend and as usual, we went out to eat. I was craving steak so I ordered a Ribeye.
My plan was to stop eating meat altogether in April but we all know what can happen when we make solid plans.
I guess I felt like I could have one and be okay.
About 30 minutes after eating, I was in extreme pain. My abdomen was cramping so much, I could hardly talk.
It was hard to sleep that night and I still had a few cramps in the morning. I just thought it was the cream sauce I had with it.
The following night, we went out again. I felt fine and thought it would be okay to have a salad and a steak.
Again, right after eating, I got extreme pain again. This time it lasted all night and the next day.
I woke up this morning with cramps. The odd thing is that just 2 weeks ago, I was eating only meat and vegetables with no problems.
It seems that Aya is working on me physically too. There are many stories of Ayahuasca showing people to not eat meat and some get horrible images of animal suffering.
I do feel like I should know better but was trying to push it as far as possible.
It has become obvious I’m meant to not eat meat. In fact, I intuitively feel like I should eat a liquid diet of soups, smoothies, or juices. I’m just resisting this a bit.
I have suffered from colitis and mild IBS in the past and was considering telling the Shaman that I’d like help with healing this.
I had not fully decided what I wanted my intentions to be yet.
Once again I am reminded there are no real secrets in the Universe. Our desires, intentions, and prayers are always heard, even the “throw away” ones.
My friend used to call them that. These are the prayers she wasn’t too attached to.
She would just think them, throw them out there and forget about them. She would laugh and say those were the ones that came right away.
Whatever happens, we are going to make it through this transformational time. Please subscribe and I’d love to hear your comments. Talk soon!
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