Are You Broken or Simply Stepping Into Your Power?
Do You Feel Like Something is Wrong With You?
Do You Feel Broken?
Are You Afraid of Being Seen?
Many women have agreed to heal the feminine.
You may not even remember signing up for it.
You might just notice that you are carrying a heavier load of jealousy, a deep fear of embracing your power, speaking your truth, being seen, of not being enough, a lack of full sexual expression, and an overall sense of being imprisoned for being who we are.
You might even have visions or dreams of being burned, hung, or tortured for your innate powers.
Have you ever found yourself choking on energy or experienced a lump in your throat that won’t seem to go away?
What about a feeling of a raging fire in your belly and sense of no longer being able to contain it?
Have you found yourself feeling intense jealousy when it doesn’t even feel like your story?
Have you found your body starting to channel something ancient through movement, mudras, chanting, singing, or speaking of a new light language?
Fear of Being Seen
As my truth started flowing freely and the fire within became stronger another fear came to the surface.
I began doing journeys into the underworld, upper world and other dimensions.
This was all great until I realized I was being seen by others. I began having visitors in visions and dreams.
I became aware of others taking an interest in me and was instantly paralyzed with fear.
This awareness was amplified by a million when I participated in Ayahuasca.
I was okay doing the healing work as long as I didn’t feel like I was being seen.
I had a fear that if I was discovered living my truth, I would be destroyed.
I don’t know where it came from, but I had to face it.
I had to fully acknowledge the fear and the possibility that it could be true.
I had to feel the fear and make a choice anyway.
I decided to keep expanding even if it meant being destroyed.
Fear of Speaking Truth
I started my spiritual journey in 1997, and began noticing a persistent lump in my throat.
It would come and go but was especially strong when I was teaching.
I wasn’t aware of what I was holding back but at the time, I was deathly afraid of speaking up.
I did my best to hold it back and play it safe for as long as I was able.
Then, the lump escalated into physically choking and coughing when truth wanted to come out of my mouth.
This lasted for years because I was terrified of being killed for letting truth come out of my mouth.
It was not a logical fear attached to a memory of childhood or my life.
Yet, it was real and I was determined to remain in control. It got progressively worse until 2010, when my mentor explained something to me.
She very matter of factly stated that I was at a crossroads and had a choice to make.
I could follow the calling of my heart to follow the path to the right, or I could go left ignoring the inner voice.
She warned that I would die slowly by choosing to go left but it was a choice I could make.
I knew that going right would require stepping off of a cliff into a free fall with no promise of a safe landing and no clear destination in sight.
I also knew it would require me to start letting my truth come out of my mouth.
There was only one choice to make so I made it.
I began speaking my truth even and especially when it made no sense at all.
I started writing, toning, singing, and speaking as often as possible.
I was scared of it all but kept opening my mouth. I would literally choke for most of the healing sessions.
Then, it turned into lots of deep yawning, moaning, and making strange sounds just to release the old energy.
Then, the lump went away and the truth started flowing freely and something surprising happened.
A language that I didn’t even know started coming through.
It would just flow out of my mouth.
Each time it happens, it feels even more empowering.
I am still learning to cultivate it and to get out of the way. Like anything else it just takes practice.
Another wound I noticed coming up strongly was the feeling of not being enough.
This is probably the biggest wound of the feminine. It would come up in different ways.
I’d feel like I wasn’t thin enough, competent enough at work, happy enough, intelligent enough, sexy enough, giving enough or not grateful enough.
I had a birthday this weekend and people just showered me with love. I felt full.
Then, this subtle fear crept in saying, “how will you give back to them?” “you don’t have enough to adequately return the favors.”
It was a ridiculous statement but I kept my heart open.
I just held the intention to give back and did.
However, for many years, the feeling of not being enough was a theme that overlayed almost every aspect of my life.
I never felt this way when I was growing up. Yet, here it was.
Everywhere I turned something was triggering it. I began to judge myself as completely broken.
Then something happened. I started looking around me and seeing other women suffering from the same issues.
I noticed beautiful, intelligent, witty, successful, happy women feeling exactly the same way I just described.
At the time of this observation, I was doing work to balance the divine masculine and feminine.
I saw in meditation and journeying that this was part of the divine feminine balancing itself through all women.
I also saw the role of the masculine in assisting the healing of the feminine.
The more I could step outside the feelings and not take them personally, the more the energy could just keep flowing through.
Then, I would forget and try to own it as mine. I would beat myself up for being so broken until it hurt too much.
Then, I would remember to let go and know that it was just energy.
We as women can move this energy through our bodies and ground it into the earth for recycling.
We can heal as One if we do not try to do it on our own as our own.
I believe we are here to remind our sisters of this but first we must repair the connection between us.
Disconnection with Sisters
I noticed in conjunction with not feeling enough, I felt a need to compete with other women. A deep jealousy would come up over and over.
If I was not pretty enough, sexy enough, or smart enough then I had to become better than other females.
I had to compare myself to them and see what I needed to fix to be better than them.
When I felt like I couldn’t compete with them, I learned to hate them.
To help me even more I created being with a guy that was a player even in a committed relationship.
Everything about him oozed sexuality and the women flocked to him.
Pretty soon, I began feeling threatened by all females. I would size them up the minute I walked into a room.
I resented them for being women. I resented myself for being a woman.
A healthy connection with other females is essential in the ultimate balancing of the feminine.
This jealousy and resentment is actually part of the healing so do not be afraid to feel it.
Just feel it fully without going to blame and it will move through.
Try not to be ashamed. It is not yours to own. It is the jealousy and pain of All Women.
Be soft with yourself.
We must find forgiveness, acceptance, and love for ourselves in order to heal our deepest wounds.
We must connect with other sisters by lowering our guard, and trusting them again.
There is no need to compete with other females and when we open our hearts to each other we will realize how empowering it actually is.
Allowing More Than Enough Time
Another challenge I noticed in my own process was being impatient with myself.
I had so much patience with others when they were going through something but not with myself.
Then, in an Ayahuasca ceremony, I remember feeling like everything stopped and all beings in the room turned to look at me.
It was as if every being in the Universe was holding a space for me and it was the most important aspect of all of creation.
It was so powerful to feel that I was worth their time and energy.
Then, all beings became One inside me. I experienced being worthy.
I continued to weep with joy, gratitude, sadness and love.
We are all worthy of taking as much time as we need. It is not just our process.
We are all in this beautiful life together and your healing is helping the entire Universe.
Letting the New Come Through
As we allow our healing, more power will want to come through our bodies.
It can take many forms.
As I mentioned, it could be energy through our vocal chords, movement, or sexual fire.
My hands just started forming mudras on their own and I’ve never practiced this.
However the new energy wants to come through, try to allow it.
Move with it, explore it and do your best to get out of the way.
Our intuition is awakening and healing on the cellular level is occurring.
We are awakening to the new way of being so it is important to stay out of judgment as much as possible.
I know it might feel scary and foreign at first.
Judgment might be a knee jerk reaction but just come back to compassion.
Return to love for yourself and for all women as the new feminine is being reborn.
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