Ayahuasca

Ayahuasca – 1st Ayahuasca Ceremony

When the ceremony started, I started feeling relaxed and a subtle sense of well-being.

Then within 30 minutes the Maestro Shaman Diogenes started singing the Icaros and his wife Anita joined in shortly after.

From this moment forward I will refer to them as Anita and Diogenes.

When the Icaros started, I felt a sense of coming home. I was elated. Waves of euphoria washed over me. Their voices were angelic, tribal, beautiful songs soothing my spirit.

Then my doubts and mind chatter started working on me.

“I’m not breathing deep enough, nothing is happening, other people are purging, maybe I’m not feeling it. “

Then, a wave of intense nausea hit. I started breathing deeply then I felt an intense emotion.

I don’t have a name for it other than intense emotion. It wasn’t sad, angry, anxiety, fear or anything I’m familiar with.

Then, both of these experiences faded with the breath. I could hear people purging all around me. The energy started building in the room.

It seemed to be directly connected to the Icaros, like they were directing the energy in the entire room.

I felt relaxed, happy, euphoric, and grateful. Everything seemed amplified. The Icaro took me up in a spiral and I saw serpents spiraling up up up.

My body started to move in a circular motion matching the serpents. I was being moved.

I felt vibrating at the base of my spine like I was sitting on a huge Cicada/Locust, wings fluttering madly.

Anita came to me and sat right in front of my mat. They did this for everyone and I noticed as they sang to each person, I could feel each individual’s essence.

As Anita started to singing to me, her voice raised higher and filled the room with a hauntingly powerful angelic melody.

I could feel so deeply it stirred the depths of beauty inside me. It seemed to beckon every positive emotion I’ve ever known and some I have not known. It was a remembering.

My heart stretched so wide, it was painful. It felt like falling in love 1000 times all at once.

Diogenes sang to me and I could feel dormant parts of my heart that had been sorrow for so long. These parts were coming alive again.

I became aware of the room again and I could hear people starting to cry on both sides of me.

The whole room was moving in the same moment together. Pure Magic.

I could feel Mother Ayahuasca with me and it felt like a gentle introduction which I was grateful for. I had yet to even realize just how gentle she was. My next 7 ceremonies were much darker and much more intense.

Stay Tuned For My Remaining 7 Experiences.

Ayahuasca – 2nd Ayahuasca Ceremony

What is My Purpose?

Right after drinking about 3/4 of a shot glass full of the brew, I started feeling it. My stomach started burning and I could feel the purge coming.

I breathed deeply and noticed my head started to move from side to side in slow motion.

Everything became silent, I felt like I could hear the patter of insects and every sound in the Universe at once and yet it was within a profound still place.

It all vibrated with a distinct harmony and every being had a place in the masterpiece. I started seeing visions of geometric shapes in purple and green hues.

The shapes were light and had their own intelligence. There were intricate grids with knowledge.

I was being shown the secret to nature, the earth, animals, trees, insects, humanity, and existence of all beings. The grids were inside the trees and moving very quickly.

Then, I got it…the Cosmic joke. I began laughing and couldn’t stop.

It all made sense and it was funny. The insignificance of our 3D worries and lives was so apparent. I could see it all at once…how small we really are.

I was laughing from pure happiness of existing in oneness and laughing because I finally understood the answer to all of my questions.

Then, the bliss became overwhelming. It was like making love amplified by a million. I was in the presence of my Eternal Lover.

We were playing and enjoying pure love of being. There was one being in all of creation…then I became aware of others in the room. All the beings in the room became one.

They were inside me and outside me at once. All of existence stopped and turned in honor. We were all aware of the one being and I was experiencing it inside my body.

It was as if they were all honoring what I would choose next. They were holding space and we were all inclusive. It was beautiful and vulnerable. All secrets and judgments disappeared.

It was wonderful. They were watching. waiting, loving, supporting, and more present than I’d ever experienced. They were sitting in Love with me and for me.

There was no rushing because the moment was still. I could have taken 3 lifetimes to make a decision and they were still there with me…they were me.

We were all the same Being.

In that moment, I realized I’ve never been alone. I’ve never been without support or love.

I could hear the Maestros start the Icaros and I felt my body wanting to purge. I started vomiting a lot. Then, dry heaves came. All the while, I was in a heightened state of Bliss.

Then, more vomiting, eyes watering, nose running, ears running and more dry heaves. The room was escalating like the purging of my body.

I thought it might never end. When I felt my body collapse over my bucket, I gently pushed it aside and moved into child’s pose.

Then, all went quiet. I felt myself traveling very quickly. All went still and an eye in the center of my forehead popped open.

I was not alone though. I was Her. Her eye opened through my body. I was looking into a mirror and I saw her looking back at me.

It was Radha, Shakti, Isis, Kali, Mary Magdelene, Mother Mary and all Goddesses. They were One and inside me. I knew

I was in the Temple of the One, even though before this experience, I didn’t even know that existed. It was like a dance studio but a HIGH Temple in the Heavenly realm. The Goddess were all lined up behind me, but we were One.

I knew I was That. I also sensed a feminine presence behind me. I knew her well. I greeted her saying, “Hello Mother…Goddess.” She was God. Then the experience disappeared instantly.

I was back in the room. The Icaros stopped. I could instantly feel the energy getting dark.

I opened my eyes and could see demons crawling out of their dens. I braced myself inwardly for what was about to come.

I saw a big human size tarantula climbing toward Diogenes as he was getting up. I saw it vanish when it got close to him. He brushed it away with a gentle hand movement.

He was walking over to me. I closed my eyes, afraid he had become the tarantula man. When I opened my eyes he was sitting in front of me.

I felt so much relief that he was there. It was as if he knew I was in trouble and came. I felt so safe.

He started singing my Icaro and I settled in.

Then, things really got weird. I felt completely peaceful and looked down to find that my body was some sort of Insectoid Alien type being. I was all sprawled out with long spindly legs, almost roach-like. 

I was letting it all hang out and felt like I was about to give birth. I felt at peace and okay with it all. Then, I realized how grotesque I was.

I just kept surrendering to it and somehow accepted myself as this being. It was beautiful, the Icaros were beautiful, I’m sure my little alien baby was even going to be beautiful. LOL I was certain I’d crossed the line of sanity, but I went with it.  

I just kept saying, “I trust Ayahuasca and what she has to teach me.”

I became aware of the pain in my side that I’d been feeling for a few weeks prior to coming.

The Mother started speaking through me to this pain in my abdomen. She was telling the pain it was okay to go and that it was safe and loved. She was very powerful and giving. This went on for the rest of the Icaro.

When he was finished, I sank back into my body and felt relaxed contentment. I stayed in this space for the rest of the night.

I had asked what my genius was somewhere toward the end of the Icaro and felt like Aya just left.

I guessed this was not the question that needed answering or that it had already been answered.

I also remember before the Icaro, Diogenes started whistling and making sounds.

I could hear hissing and whistling. I felt him directing the demons and showing them to their places. Then, he was sending them back there.

He was dispersing them. He was a true master of energy. It was other worldly and full of magic.

Ayahuasca – 3rd Ayahuasca Ceremony

Tonight I drank 2 servings of the brew. I was not feeling it after an hour so asked for more.

Then, I started rising and my awareness went to the girls on each side of me. They were Guardian Angels and I became extremely grateful for each person in the room with me.

Then, Ayahuasca told me it was all me and for me. The room changed into a movie projector image, playing out each moment of my life on a screen.

Then, I started feeling really alone and terrified. I sat there for a long time feeling completely alone…the only being in the Universe.

Then, my grandfather, that passed several years ago, came into my awareness.

I told him I love him so much and apologized for not being there the whole time he was sick.  I could feel our loving connection.

I saw my mom and sister and understood they were here to guide and protect me. I could see their Higher selves watching over me and knew they had guided me through my life, especially when I lost my path.

I was filled with gratitude for them and all beings. I cried from the bottom of my soul with deep gratitude. I was heaving like a child and there were so many tears.

I could feel myself sinking into the Hell realm very quickly as though I was being carried there against my will.

The entire room changed into writhing demons. The sounds they were making were bone chillingly disturbing and they were moving all around me.

I could hear hissing and exhaling sounds I immediately associated with demons. I can’t even describe them, I just knew I’d heard them before.

I felt like I was being hunted by a powerful and evil Sorcerer. I don’t know how else to describe it. I was sinking into insanity and losing myself very quickly.

I was out of control and got the impression if I went too much further, I could not come back. I feared I would either not come back or be so changed that I would not exist on this planet as I had before.

I was being bombarded with twisted, wicked, perverse, and terrifying entities.  

I got the distinct feeling that they really did not care about my well-being in the slightest. Terrified does not even touch the emotional experience of going through this.  

I did not know if an ending point even existed anymore. I had no conceptual comparison to match with what I was going through. It was all new. My mind was evaporating.

Then, I heard Diogenes blowing into the air and I was immediately in  a Garden of Eden.

It was gentle, quiet, peaceful, and filled with eternal sweetness. I could feel all the beauty like it was coming from inside me.

I was able to just bask in the love of the Universe as it lulled me into deep wonder.

Then, I could feel it coming. I started sinking and felt as if I was being dragged through the darkest parts of existence.

I was definitely drudging the slums of the lower dimensions.

The speed at which I was moving made it hard to comprehend what I was actually traveling through but the feelings were there.

It was very dark. Terror, fear, dread, disgust, shame, and a sense of being swallowed by pure evil.

All I could do was say, “I trust Ayahuasca and what is being taught.” I’d breathe into all the scary spaces and cry. I just kept surrendering.

My body was continuously purging and sweating. My nose was running, my eyes were pouring out neverending tears, and my body was dripping with sweat.

I was letting it all hang out. It was so intense and went on for hours! I finally just said, “I was done and she could take it all.”

I was shown what seemed like Celestial or Heaven Realms and then back to lower Hell Realms throughout the night.

I had absolutely no control and nothing left to give by the end of the night. Yet, I felt strangely liberated.

Anita and Diogenes closed the ceremony and I was relieved that it was over. At least I thought it was over.

I did not expect what happened after the ceremony, which I will share in part 2.

3rd Ayahuasca Part 2 – After the Ceremony

When it was over and the Shaman closed the ceremony, I walked back to my room, feeling a little on guard…for what I wasn’t sure.

When I got inside, I did not feel like I was alone. I could sense a room full of beings and they were not pleasant. They were dark and malicious there to torment me.

I immediately turned all the lights on and went in to take a shower. I wanted to wash all the energy down the drain and be washed clean.

I kept feeling like there were beings behind me, but I was afraid to turn around. I slowly walked into the shower and turned on the water.

I was just about to step in when I saw a huge furry spider on the floor of the shower.

He was half the size of a large tarantula. I wasn’t sure if it was a baby tarantula or a spider. I wasn’t going to stick around to investigate and the state I was in, all I wanted was to back away slowly.

This definitely did not help matters. I wasn’t even sure if the spider was real or a vision.

I just felt like these beings were trying to get into my head. It was like they were waiting for an opening so they could get inside and take control.

I made it absolutely clear that I was not giving them permission inside.

A huge mind fuck continued until I felt a purge coming on. I ran to the bathroom and started vomiting and kept vomiting.

My world seemed to be closing in me and I could do nothing about it.

I seemed to be purging from the depths of my being. It felt like old toxic energy pouring out of my body and mind.  

I felt helpless and alone…very alone. This was a battle I had to fight all on my own.  I was well aware of it but wasn’t sure I had what it took.

As I was leaning over the toilet, barely able to keep my body from collapsing to the floor. I felt a huge presence behind me.

It was powerful and sinister. It was here to test me or take me down. In that moment I got mad, defiant. I was not weak and I was not helpless.

I was willing. I would Be a warrior for light and that was that. I continued to purge because I wanted it out. I wanted it out for good.

When the purging was finally over. I remember crying and laughing with exhaustion. I remember thinking, “well played and nice try.”

I knew I’d passed the test. I stood up and gathered my courage to turn around, not sure what I’d see but ready to face it. I had been afraid to look at myself in the mirror before.

As I walked over to brush my teeth and wash my face, I decided I was not going to be afraid. I was going to face myself in the mirror.

After washing my face, I looked up and what I saw shocked me. I saw my eyes glowing with golden light.  I saw Kali looking out through them.

My face was her face. I have never really felt drawn to Kali. I always identified more with the softer side of the Feminine…Mother Mary…Kuan Yin…Green Tara. This frightened the hell out of me as I questioned my sanity but I didn’t back down.

I was willing to face what I needed. Could I embrace this aspect of me? If this was a part of me, I was intense, terrifying and wild. This level of wild definitely made me want to hide.

She was carnal, intimidating, beautiful, brutal, powerful, and outside the edge of what I considered sane. It was uncomfortable, but I breathed into it.  

Now the room had a new more powerful force.

It had been taken over by what felt like a Sorcerer. What did it want from me? I didn’t really want to communicate with it. I did not want it to come inside me.

I only wanted it to leave so I could sleep. It gave me the impression it was waiting for me to fall asleep and travel so it could gain control. Was it Her? Was it the Kali aspect of me? WTF?

I took a shower, spider and all. I was beyond caring at this point.

If it didn’t bother me I wouldn’t bother it. I just needed to wash this fear down the drain. I could feel her in everything.

She was in the water, the spider, the fear, the relief, the desire to run, the light and the dark. She surrounded me, and threatened to consume me entirely.

I showered, burned Palo Santo and put the blessed flower water on my face. When I got into bed, I could feel other beings in the room. It was the Sorcerer and ghouls trying to put thoughts in my head. Testing me to see if I would choose fear or love. 

I just called Angels in to fill the room with light and love. I tried to sleep but it was so loud in my room and in my head. It became too overwhelming and I gave up. I decided maybe I needed help.

I decided to go to the facilitators’ room. Maybe they could help me in shifting this or seeing more clearly. I was exhausted and done.

I told them what was happening and they held space of light and love. They said to invite a deity in to help. I said I felt trusting of Christ and Kuan Yin.

They explained how most of what we experience during Ayahuasca is inside and created for healing, love and compassion. They said I could send any entities or other beings compassion to help them transform.

They talked about meeting some very scary things within themselves and that walking through it allows more freedom.

I felt relief, knowing it was coming from inside and not some powerful Entity outside trying to possess me.

I went back to my room. I was terrified but willing to face it. I asked for Archangel Michael to clear the space and for Kuan Yin’s compassion to fill the room. I told the ghouls they had 2 choices.

They could transform into the light or leave. They had to go because I did not give them permission to be there.

I opened more to the idea that they were all aspects of me to love and embrace. I could communicate with them so I did.

This continued until morning. I expressed my willingness to see any aspects of myself in this and to allow for healing.

I sent compassion to all beings, especially these. They were very stubborn but eventually left.

The spider was still there in the morning so I knew it was real and not a vision.

I woke up feeling like I had battled one of my biggest demons to date. I wasn’t sure if I’d won but felt like I’d put up a good fight and ultimately came into an inner peace. I still had a feeling this aspect wasn’t done with me. I brushed it off as paranoia and decided to go for breakfast.

Ayahuasca – 4th Ayahuasca Ceremony

“I trust you, Ayahuasca”

Open to Joy, Love & Beauty

I Trust You, Ayahuasca

Tonight, I died.

The medicine came on slowly and I wondered if I was feeling it. Then Anita started singing to me and I felt heat rising in my body.

I felt myself losing consciousness and energy was draining from me. I started experiencing a vasovagal response which I normally get anytime they take blood. I have had this since I was a little girl.

It took a few moments for me to recognize the similar sensations and associate it with this response.

When I made the connection, I realized I should lay down and put my feet up. I felt like my life was leaving and death had come for me.  It felt so real to me.

I immediately started wishing I had more time with my loved ones. I wanted a chance to spread love and light to this beautiful planet.

The longing was so strong. I wanted nothing more than to give love and I desperately wanted more time to do it.

It might sound simple but it felt like the driving force of my entire existence.

I felt like I’d left the physical world and was in a place of transition. I was convinced that everyone in the room was in the realm of the dead. It was not the same room

I’d died and I knew if I’d asked anyone if we were dead, they would delicately tell me the truth. It felt like a healing room for the lost souls. It was unsettling but all I could do was accept it.

I was no longer aware of the ceremony or the Shamans. It was eerily quiet with only a hint of a whispering wind moving through.  

A small part of me grasped for hope of getting to love again…on this planet.

I pleaded to get the chance. I begged for my life and made a deal to share all I had with others if only I could be brought back.

I just wanted a chance to spread truth, light, compassion, and love. I wanted more time with my boyfriend, sister, mom, aunt, and all the beautiful souls in my life.

I was cold, sweaty, and lifeless on my little mat. I could feel my feet and hear Diogenes blowing smoke into the room. I was back. I realized I was alive!

I was filled with a gratitude beyond explanation. I was able to breathe and live.

I got the chance to share and Be. Tears flowed down my face as I recognized the gift I was given, the gift we are all given.

I thanked God, Mother Ayahuasca and all of creation for the chance to be human in this body at this time.

 

Ayahuasca – 7th Ayahuasca Ceremony

I want to meet my Guides and Angels

I drank a little less than usual but started feeling it right away. My head felt like it was stretching and it opened. I could feel Mother Earth with her arms wrapped around me.

She was sitting behind me and rocking me gently. Ayahuasca danced me, moved my arms and body with the Icaros. I felt loved, nurtured, and free.

Then, I started having body jolts. My whole body would spasm similar to when you are falling asleep and you jump. It was happening with short breaks of seconds in between. It was not painful at all.

Then, my whole body started vibrating/shuddering. I felt my shoulder blades moving and adjusting. It felt like I was growing extensions out of my back…like wings.

It felt like I was morphing into some sort of being with wings. This process continued for the entire ceremony.

All I could do was let it happen. I was not sure what I would be when it was complete, but I went with it.

Diogenes came and sat at the end of mat to sing an Icaro. I sat up and as he started singing, he turned into a dragon.

He was powerful but not evil at all. I felt like it was an ally providing ancient healing.

It was stormy outside the Maloka. The air was electric and alive. At one point, I heard a very large animal flapping its wings right behind me outside the Maloka.

I heard it land down by the river. It sounded like a horse snorting and breathing. It was like labored breathing. I could not make sense of what it could possibly be.

The biggest animal I’d seen was a medium sized dog, but this was bigger. What was this?  The night was charged with magic and mystery.

I continued to listen to the wings and heavy breathing as I had a thought of it being a Dragon. “Was it a Guide?”

I stayed open so I could receive any message it had. I continued morphing. “Was I morphing into a Dragon, Butterfly, Angel?” Was I being shown angels or guides from direct experience?

I was not afraid. I was in awe of how much was happening all around me. I just felt deep love.

“Could this be real?”

“What am I becoming?”

The feeling of it was magical and it demanded profound respect.

“Thank you, Ayahuasca.”

Ayahuasca – 8th Ayahuasca Ceremony

Gentleness

The ceremony started out slow. When the Icaros started, the nausea hit. Dark entities came from across the room. They were coming over to me and watching me.

I kept saying to myself, “I am love.” I was saying over and over to stay centered in myself.

When Diogenes began singing to me, I became a demon. I felt powerful, ashamed, grotesque, fear, terror, lost,  and confused.

I was embarrassed knowing that the Shaman could see me like this. It felt awful and real. I knew Ayahuasca was teaching me so I kept saying my mantra and trying to allow all of it. I asked myself, “was I the Entity I’d been running from?”

I wanted to hide. I purged and the taste was so vile, I could hardly stand it. I stayed with my mantra. It was all I could do.

I was shown all my self-hatred as I watched my body change into a frail old woman.

I could feel and see how my own self-disgust and loathing was creating this old woman in my future. It was shown in very painful visuals of what I was doing to myself. It seemed like it would never stop. I was shown over and over how I was violent to myself.

I was told it had to stop. I felt weak and ashamed, but the visuals continued driving the point into my mind even further. There was a pit of shame inside my belly. All I could do was feel it.

There were spirits flying around the room. Some were coming and some were leaving.  As my friend next to me started purging intensely, I could feel all the spirits leaving her.

Her crying was purging them out of her. She was feeling their pain, their suffering. I was aware of the gravity of her service to all of them.

She had taken on these spirits from other people.  I was in awe of her willingness and courage as she purged in every possible way.

I felt so much love for her. She went to the bathroom outside the Maloka and purged for a long time. My awareness stayed with my body and with her. I was not sure why, but I went with it.

She was there for a very long time, at least it felt that way. She had grown quite so I silently spoke to her saying, “come back to the Maloka now.” Somehow, I knew she could hear me.

She came back right away. I felt relief. There was something telling me that she needed to come back to the safe circle within Maloka.  It told me it was important now. I breathed a sigh of relief.

The energy of the room moved and breathed as One Being. It was undeniable. The last ceremony is usually Celestial. That is what we were told. This night was far from light and Celestial.

We were purging the last of darkness out and all knew it. We were taking no prisoners back with us. We were dispersing the demons and darkness to be released for good.

It truly felt like we had fought a war and won.

The Last Night in Peru

We had a day to recover before traveling back home. The day was quiet and mellow. Most of us felt very tired. I went to my room to lay down around 7p.m. 

I drifted in and out of sleep and meditation for about 45 minutes. Then, I heard my doorknob turn. I did not have a roommate so I dismissed it as the room next door.

Then, I started feeling a charge in the air. I looked up to see my door was wide open. I started filling the room with light and telling the spirit to leave.

I could still feel it hours later and decided to go and talk to the facilitators about it.

They were fast asleep. It must have been the middle of the night, but I never checked the clock. One of the women came out but she was so groggy and said she was so out of it.

She said she didn’t really know how to help me. I assumed it was because it was my job to do anyway. I went back to my room to face it once and for all.

I announced to it that it must leave immediately or transform to add to the light. I stated that under no circumstances was it going to come back home with me. I stated that it must stay in Peru.

I could still feel it lingering, looking for an opportunity of weakness, so I said “you must not be anything if the facilitator was not concerned.”

“I am going to listen to music now.”

Then, all the lights and power shut off in my room. A few seconds later, they came back on and I could no longer feel the presence.