Becoming the first woman, her creation swirling out of a movement of her hand, her hips, her heart. She is creating new worlds with her mind and body. She is the embodiment of creation itself and I feel the power within me as her. She loves every aspect of what is created through her.
She has no preference for the experience of what that will be. It just flows through her. There is new life innocence, dying of the old, celebration of the song of life, destruction as a force of absolution. All of it is perfect in the eyes of the Creatrix.
All of it is done in Divine Love with no questions asked, no second guessing. She birth something new and let it take on life as its own. Then, she marvels at its unique individuality. All of it is a child of her womb, intimately connected through the bond of mother and child. Her love has no bounds and she will protect it when needed.
I could feel a part of my body tense as the sheer power of her presence washed through me. It was a remembrance and a reckoning of what should have been all along. I felt the anger rise at the parts that tried to tame this Creatrix, accepting only the loving mother while denying the unabashed torrential destructive force of nature.
Her creation must involve all of her as the original artist…the light, the dark, the gut wrenching, heartbreaking, raw delights of every experience in the infinite womb of all possibilities.
For so long, I’ve denied the hunter, and the killer. It made me feel helpless and the indifference of the predator frightened me in a way that took me into the dark depths of my psyche. It was a place I tried to avoid at all costs. I still do. How can I so deeply love animals and be okay with them being slaughtered?
I equated my deep love for animals as a right to protect them from death and suffering. While this was true, in deeply loving all creatures, I had to also love the one that had the natural instinct to hunt and kill. Unconditional love also belonged to these wild beings that were not meant to follow rules or know of being domesticated.
Just as Lilith’s true nature was wild undefinable power so too were aspects of her creation. Can I embrace this wild destructive One inside of me? Can I finally make peace with death, suffering and destruction while facing it all with deep unending love? I don’t know…
I know that the deepest part of me longs desperately for this acceptance. I know that I am willing. I also know it terrifies me still.
There was a point in an Ayahuasca ceremony where I felt I’d gone too far outside the established boundaries of being human. What if I couldn’t get back? What if I let this primordial part loose inside me and I can’t get back to understanding humanity?
As long as I can remember, I have been boy crazy, starting in kindergarten. Last night, I saw a clear picture of the reason for this. Beyond the fact that my dad wasn’t there for me, emotionally and most times physically.
It stemmed from that, in that I felt rejected by my dad so I quickly put parts of the masculine in shadow and denied it. I would avoid my dad, when he came home which was just an out picturing of what I was doing with the unruly masculine inside me.
I was still looking for the masculine that was loving, compassionate, accepting and powerful in his Godly presence. I was denying the Yang masculine which my dad represented, being a drunk especially. However, I was looking to boys to fill the Yin part of the masculine. I searched through my younger years, being constantly disappointed.
All the while, I was suppressing the masculine within myself completely. Because of this suppression of the masculine, I attracted men that were not kind to me…that mirrored the harsh, judgmental, driven, controlling aspects of the masculine shadow.
This is what I kept attracted in men in my life, because I had put the masculine in shadow and demonized it, thinking I didn’t need it. I didn’t think I needed my dad. He was a drunk so I could ignore him.
The ignoring of this, caused a disassociation in my own self. It caused a desperate seeking of the masculine on the outside because I didn’t acknowledge it on the outside. I was seeking the Yin masculine but the Yang shadow part is what actually showed up for me.
I loved the Yin masculine and hated the Yang, not realizing they were both two sides of the whole. I could not have one without the other and the more I suppressed any of it in myself, the more the distorted aspects of the masculine were in my face…constantly.
Because of this, my world view looked harsh to me. I became agoraphobic and didn’t even want to face the harshness. It has taken years for me to realize what was suppressing, squashing, and holding me back was my lack of acceptance of the whole masculine inside.
I spent most of my time working on bringing out the feminine thinking it was the receptivity, intuition, wisdom, unconditional love aspects I needed to bring to the forefront to shift the harshness.
Now, I see that it was the wild untamed feminine and the masculine that was screaming for my attention. It was the balanced aspects of both that was needed. It was the parts I was most afraid to face that needed to come out for the harshness to soften. The wild beast inside was raging because it needed expression. This expression was the only thing to quiet the beast inside.
This is all still integrating within me but seeing it has rocked my world. This may be old news to many for each of us, moments of bringing an aspect out of shadow seems like a like altering revelation.
I always thought we had one part Divine Feminine and one part Divine Masculine. These were the parts we had to work with to bring into wholeness. Now, I am realizing I’ve only been able to love with a quarter of my full potential.
I am only now tapping into loving with my whole heart. We have to bring online the Yin and Yang of both the Divine Feminine and Divine Masculine. The Yin Feminine is the Beloved of the Yang Masculine. The Yang Feminine is the Beloved of the Yin Masculine.
We spend our time, trying to match the Yin Feminine with the Yin Masculine and denying the other halves.
We often demonize the Yang Feminine: Wild Untamed Primordial Goddess and the Yang Masculine: Domineering, Womanizing, Controlling God. We don’t realize that the Christed Male and Virgin Mother are a part of what we’ve cast into shadow as demonic.
Until, we can truly accept all 4 parts back into our souls, we will more than likely manifest addiction, self sabotage, abuse, corruption, mental illness, poverty, and failure in our outside world.
Take a look at what you hate, judge, or despise. This is what you’ve locked away in shadow. These are the parts that are trying to destroy you because they need acknowledgement and expression.
They will come out one way or another. It is our choice whether they come out destructively or as a power coming back to us. We have to start with facing them and finding a way to accept, forgive, and love them.
Thank you for reading!
Notes of a Shaman: Singing the River