How a Shaman Removed My Unconscious Abortion Trauma

How a Shaman Removed My Unconscious Abortion Trauma

I was sitting in front of the Shaman as he sang an Icaro that started out sounding like an old man telling me a bedtime story of old.

He told the story from the depth of his soul. It almost brought me to tears just hearing the ancient wisdom in his voice.

He sang and I started feeling like he was inside me…digging for something I’d hidden long ago.

I wasn’t letting him in there.

I began feeling uncomfortable, revealed, dirty, tainted. Was he pulling an entity out? Was this an exorcism? I felt something horrible inside and he was going after it.

He was still digging, like a jackhammer demolishing my once impenetrable casing

I wasn’t letting him in.

Part of me wanted to but it wasn’t happening.

He was relentless!

The other Shaman’s had stopped singing and the individuals next to me had gone back to their seats.

Not my Shaman, he was still singing!

I wanted to yell at him to stop but something stopped me.

I felt a crack in the surface of the casing as an aspect of me was begging me to get the hell out of the room. I stayed. I was ready to face it…whatever it was.

I started shaking my hands and telling my body to let him in.

He remained diligent. More participants came up to receive their Icaros. They came and went. My Shaman kept digging.

I reminded myself that this was the healing. This was the work. I was ready.

“Bring it on,” an inner voice demanded.

Finally, I broke. I became drenched with sweat and tears poured out me. I could hear sounds coming out of my mouth but I couldn’t control anything any longer.

He began emptying me. It felt like he was scooping out more of me as I shook and cried. He just kept going.

Scooping out toxic sludge, shame, guilt, remorse, death, grief…

I doubled over with intense remorse. I bawled and released what felt like ancient tears…gut-wrenching agony. It just kept coming.

He was the only one singing again. It seemed like hours went by.

Time ceased to exist. I floated in a space of nothingness with no awareness of an individual self.

My body wasn’t my own. I was outside looking in.

I was nothing. I knew I had nothing left to hold onto to.

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Then the singing stopped. I couldn’t move. I was slumped over…feeling utterly helpless.

I felt a hand on my arm as the facilitator told me I had to go back to my seat.

I tried to stand but my legs gave out. I was weak and helpless. She walked me back to my seat. I crawled onto my mat and felt like a newly born infant.

I have no other way to describe it. I was fresh, innocent, unguarded and brand new.

It felt wonderful.

Then, the Shamans all started singing together. I could feel something coming for me. It wanted to consume me. I had no defenses, nothing to stop it.

I tried to fight but couldn’t. All I could do was let it.

I wanted to ask for help. There was no one. I was alone and going to die.

It came. It enveloped me in darkness.

I spent the rest of the night feeling absolute terror and complete vulnerability. It was absolute HELL and Aya was not letting me go until it was complete.

It continued well into the next day.

I believe this was the ceremony that my anxiety was released for good. It has not been the same since.

The next day, the facilitator informed me that the Shaman was doing healing around abortion.

Years ago, I chose to have an abortion. It was a very hard decision but it made sense at the time due to what I considered an abusive partnership.

I am not proud of the decision I made but I thought I had made peace with it. I thought I was fine. How many times have I said that?

In fact, he saw it right away during our first consultation. I was talking about how I wanted to heal addiction in my energy field and increase self-love.

He looked at me very intently for a few seconds like he was scanning me and out of the blue (I thought) asked me the question, “have you ever had an abortion?”

I hesitantly and meekly answered, “uh…y..yes?” See, for years I’ve had healers and counselors ask me if I’ve ever been raped or abused.

I always answer, “not to my knowledge.” Then, it never goes further. I even had one healer argue with me saying, “I most definitely had been.”

See, for years I’ve had healers and counselors ask me if I’ve ever been raped or abused. I always answer, “not to my knowledge.” 

Then, it never goes further. I even had one healer argue with me saying, “I most definitely had been.”

I’d never talked about abortion and no one had asked. I just couldn’t go there and thought I was fine around it.

Then, Joe nailed within 5 minutes of meeting me.

Then, Joe nailed within 5 minutes of meeting me.

I squirmed in my seat even having to answer him.

Yet, my mind convinced me that this was not where I needed to focus my healing. That wasn’t an issue!

I left the consultation feeling dissatisfied somehow like he just didn’t get it or see the REAL issues I needed to work on. Funny how we do this.

Once again, I saw that this type of Shamanic work has the power to heal what is unconscious, repressed, and hidden.

These are the parts we aren’t always able to reach in other types of healing.

For some of us, we never reach the parts that will actually result in the most beneficial healing.

These are the parts we aren’t always able to reach in other types of healing.

For some of us, we never reach the parts that will actually result in the most beneficial healing.

I now have a new perspective and so much more compassion. I also had to deeply forgive myself and stop punishing myself for “being a bad person.” I had to let the child in.

In hindsight, I could see that I experienced death through the perspective of the infant.

I lived the wonder, innocence, and love of the newborn. I got to feel the unguarded and utterly dependent state of the infant.

It is life before trust or mistrust. It is beautiful.

A piece of my inner child came back to me to be loved and nurtured

I also got to feel being destroyed for no apparent reason or cause. I got to feel what it was like to not have anyone there to help me.

It might seem brutally honest but that is how Grandmother Aya gets through sometimes.

We have to be shown what we have kept hidden in order to heal. Then, we have to be willing to look at it. This is the first step. 

Because of this teaching, I am incapable of ever having another abortion again.

I am not choosing a side of the heated debate of pro-life or pro-choice. I am choosing awareness in all circumstances.

Thank you for reading. I hope this has been helpful.

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