How to Shed Our Old Skin Through Tears & Compassion

I saw a TED talk about the side effects of watching porn. This hit close to home because I’d had a couple of boyfriends that were addicted to porn. Once I went 6 months without sex, while in a relationship. He just wasn’t interested but masturbated all the time. Needless to say, this caused personal issues for me and a lot of doubt. I tried to make sense of it but always came up short with answers. I blamed myself and thought something was wrong with me for years as a result of it. Dance and sex had always been two places I could always let go and feel completely free.  I went from being very confident sexually to doubting everything.

~

When I saw this TED talk from a guy that had been addicted to porn, I was very curious.

 ~

He said he stopped watching porn for several reasons, but there was  one that really stood out for me. He said before porn, he would think about dialog with girls, caressing, and kissing. He would go through scenarios in his mind of what he would say and how she would respond. He was genuinely curious about her.

~

After porn, he would think about penetration and lost interest in the other aspects he previously entertained.  He pointed out how in porn scenes they don’t use their hands. It is all focused on the genitals, with the woman usually in a very uncomfortable position. He went on to say he noticed his urges progressing into more violent desires of dominating the female. He said he noticed it got into his mind and almost seemed to take over his thoughts.

~

I found this interesting especially because when this previous boyfriend would initiate sex, it was not about getting to know me but more about “getting off.” I often felt like he hadn’t even been there with me. There was little caressing, less kissing, and no genuine interest in what I liked. It was, “clothes off face down.” I accepted this because I was too uncomfortable to talk about my lack of satisfaction. I would casually mention Tantra, but that was shut down really quickly.

~

 ~

When it occurred to me that we had gone 6 months without touching, I realized I did not even miss it…with him. I was young and had a healthy drive but really didn’t associate what we did with pleasure anymore. Any desire I did feel, I would suppress it immediately because it was usually around other men.

~

I knew my boyfriend had a porn addiction and I felt helpless to change it. I had accepted that he no longer desired me. I didn’t talk about it and just let a lot of assumptions fill my mind. I lost hope that it would ever change. He said he liked his freedom to do what he wanted. I just saw the relationship ending slowly. Eventually the lack of talking and connecting killed what we once had.

~

So, when I saw this man courageously standing up and talking about his addiction to porn so openly, I had so much admiration for him. I also immediately felt triggered. All these old emotions started surfacing. Those memories of that girl I once was, came to the forefront.

~

I was also strangely inspired and filled with hope. I started talking to my now boyfriend about it and getting more worked up. I talked about how I wanted the whole porn industry to be shut down and human trafficking to stop.

~

Before I knew it I was noticing how much this had opened my old wounds. I was stuck in blame. I was blaming men for being sleazy, and blaming women for perpetuating it. Then, I judged them for a while. I  started to notice how drained I was feeling by blaming my outside world and wanting it to change.

~

“Wow, where was this downward spiral coming from? Who was I being right now?”

~

I stopped and took in a deep breath. Then, I asked, “what am I feeling?” It hit me hard. I got in touch with the old anger, shame, sadness, betrayal, and feeling less than. I felt disrespected  and devalued. I let the emotions wash through me and I cried. I cried tears of remorse from all the loss I felt. I cried for all the needs I had that were ignored and neglected… by me.

“Wait, by me?” “What?”

~

Through the tears, I came to see how I had turned my back on me. I cried for denying myself true fulfillment. Then, I cried tears of compassion for myself, for other women, for innocent children, and for men. I cried tears of forgiveness.

~

I asked myself, “what do I need to feel honored, cherished, respected, and seen for more than just being a female body.”

~

~

A big sigh came as I cried more tears of compassion.

I heard, “give to yourself…honor yourself.”

~

I made the decision to honor myself. I questioned what that looked like but  made this my new intention. I realized the only power I had was to make a change in my perspective. I recorded the video below to share my experience after making this decision.

~

~

We are here to remember our radiance and inner power. We are the examples of the Empowered Feminine.

~

~