“There is a tremendous power that lives deep inside you. It’s fierce – showing a heartfelt and powerful intensity that is brave and untamed – full of preciousness, gentleness, kindness and vulnerability.” Alisa Starkweather
For many of us, at this time, the dark aspects of our being are rising to join the light within us. This is happening on a personal level as well as globally. Just spend 5 minutes on Facebook and you will see the light and the dark fighting on 90% of the posts…prolife/prochoice, Republicans/Democrats, Muslims/Christians, Black/White and on it goes.
This is part of my personal journey. It is raw and personal so may be disturbing to some, but this is me.
I decided to sign up for a dance course that I’ve been dreaming about for a long time. I have a background in dance, but this style is new for me so there is a learning curve. Plus, I am getting back into shape…slowly.
This was a journal entry from 9 weeks into a 10 week course. However, this was not just a dance course, but an immersion of Self. We called in the creative power of Shakti/Life Force to awaken within us through this process.
We also were calling in the wild feminine…you know the one…that part that is completely free and unbounded. The part that scares the crap out of most us, but we just put it conveniently back in shadow.
Well, I set my intention to fully embrace this part through this course. I started feeling this Kali aspect rising out of the dark, wanting to play and dance with me. I didn’t invite it in but I didn’t deny it either. I just observed. This is what happened.
It started weeks ago when I noticed my to do list was getting longer because I wasn’t completing it. I judged it like crazy and was trying to muscle through it because, I thought I would no longer exist if I didn’t.
Although, I didn’t pick up on that at the time.
Depression or what felt like depression landed hard. I’d had depression before and it was the reason I lost all passion for dance, years ago, and quit dancing.
It scared me to feel it again.
It felt like every part of me went into darkness. I didn’t feel or want anything. I ate but felt no satisfaction. My husband and I had agreed to be celibate for a month and when we finally had sex…nothing.
I wasn’t laughing, or enjoying anything.
I didn’t want to get out of bed, shower, or even brush my teeth. I wasn’t returning phone calls or texts. I didn’t care but it felt different than apathy. I was going dark.
I thought Shakti/Dark Mother/Kali was trying to destroy me. I’d been enticed into this course by dance and the promise of passion and now I was probably getting demolished by some demonic deity. LOL
I was desperate to get joy or enjoyment back and I wanted to do my homework which was play, yoga, dance, and meditation. I made myself go outside. I just sat for hours, listening to the wind.
It took a few days or a week. Honestly, I don’t know what the time frame was, but I got to the lake (this was the play part).
Then, I couldn’t go in. It wasn’t fear. I just couldn’t make my will power work anymore. I just stood there.
Then, a family of geese with baby geese came by. A big yellow butterfly was trying to land on a baby goose as it floated across the water.
The goose was not having it and kept chasing it away. I watched the geese and felt honored they trusted us to get close enough. I laughed.
I went back home and tried to will power my way into doing SOMETHING but it was unsuccessful. I went to bed. Day after day, I tried to DO, but it wasn’t working.
Then, one day a voice said, “go outside.” I did. Then, my attention went to the weeds in the flower bed. The inner voice said, “pull weeds.” I started pulling weeds.
On the inside, I was fighting like hell. feeling like I was wasting time. Action plans kept coming in as I fell behind on choreography.
I was being pulled deeper into the darkness. I was being confronted with the “people pleaser”, the “do gooder”, “teacher’s favorite”, “mom’s favorite”, the “competitor”, “the achiever”
I was being shown limiting beliefs, patterns and ideas of how I thought things should be in life, spiritual path, and myself.
She showed me All the places I thought I was broken. The self hate that still existed. I saw how my defiance for I thought was RIGHT was holding me back and didn’t help anyone.
All I could physically do was pull weeds so I kept on digging deep and pulling out the stubborn roots.
I was speaking the embodiment declarations when I got into the seat of power. These were mantras we got every other week to empower us on our journey.
After pulling the weeds the next day, I went in to wash the dirt off of my hands and something on the front of the vehicle caught my eye. It looked yellow and seemed to be vibrating. I couldn’t make it out so I walked outside to get a closer look.
It was a Butterfly caught in a tiny hole in the grill. It was mangled and twisted. It’s wings looked like they were bent backwards. It looked broken but I had to do what I could.
I gently pulled it out and realized it was still intact, full wings, whole body. At that moment, I swear it looked right at me. It’s look carried a feeling of total trust and gratitude. I was overtaken with an intense feeling of compassion.
It tried to fly but one of its wings was reversed in the way the 2 halves overlap. I gently put it back. I held a stick up to it and it climbed on. I was hoping it would fly when I held it up, but it just stretched its wings out.
A storm was coming so I made a little shelter for it. This beautiful little butterfly was breaking my heart open and I was feeling again.
It survived a day and I had to let it go. “Why do beautiful things have to die?!” I grieved.
I couldn’t save it, but it had in a sense saved me by showing me trust, gratitude, death and love. “Was that the point, Shakti?”
I heard the embodiment declaration being spoken on the call.
“I open to more Trust than ever before.
I Trust my Self, and Trust I am supported by (the Universe, All That Is, etc.) to Awaken.”
I leaned into this with all my heart.
As I surrendered, my universe became very gentle with me and the message was to love myself through the dark. I started surrendering to the depression, the darkness, the journey, the non doing, the pain of death.
I dove into the darkness with complete willingness.
I made it back to the lake and this time, I was able to go in. I floated and let the water engulf my grief.
I put on my costume twice, to film my choreography but couldn’t do it so I took it off.
I pulled more weeds and opened to more trust. This time, not trusting the advice of others or my ideas of feeling better but trusting ‘What Is’.
I went deeper into darkness, pushing everything away from me. I didn’t completely realize what was happening until I transplanted a Rhododendron, that was cramped and unhappy where it was.
As I was planting it in its new home I was saying to it, “spread out, Beauty, take your space, take all the space you require, to thrive.”
Then a voice said, “you are talking to yourself also.”
I could see that within the womb of the Mother, I was expanding my space to fully BE. I was pushing away everyone else’s opinions, input, and guidance. I was coming into profound silence to find SELF again. Everything I tried to reach for was being ripped away as I tried to grasp onto who I thought I was.
I was seeing a pattern of how I would gauge other people’s comfort zone and share with them only as much of myself as I thought would keep them comfortable. I didn’t want to rock the boat or upset anyone.
I saw how I was holding myself back in so many ways, responding to how I was hurt in the past.
I battled my hatred for men…the control…the dominance…the oppression. I faced terror, betrayal, total lack of trust. Demons came into my dreams, trying to rape me, but this time, I said, “no.” This time I spoke from an inner love and knowing. Shakti/Divine Mother was living me and teaching me my inner authority in love.
I felt Divine Sovereignty over my soul and body. Shakti showed me that I was the Master of this temple. No one or no being was allowed to take my sexual energy any longer.
I was finally able to workout and dance. I planted lavender in the garden. I thought I was coming out. Then, I got hit by another wave. I didn’t know what it was but I felt like I was about to “lose it” and break into a million pieces but I didn’t know where it was coming from.
There was constant tension, a nonstop tormentor and it was driving me insane!
Shakti was breaking down everything that I thought was Me.
I felt lost to myself
I missed another group call.
This week’s Declaration:
My Desire to shine my Innate Truth, Beauty, and Strength is greater than my fears, shames and limitations.
Perfect timing as usual.
Something dark burned through my insides, I couldn’t run, I couldn’t hide. I surrendered to it and there within the emptiness was RAGE…seething rage.
“What the hell do I do with this?” “Where is this coming from” “What happened?”
I saw a scene from my childhood with my dad in our mother in law’s kitchen, doing taxidermy.
I blocked out the full scene but felt all of it. I felt terror, death, suffering, betrayal, rage, shock and distrust. I got flashes of opening our freezer and seeing bloody animals some of them rabbits, which I thought were our pets. I’d forgotten this.
The rage ripped through me as scenes flashed through. I didn’t know how to process it fully. I remembered a Shaman saying she would lay her belly on the earth and give the anger to Pachamama/Mother Gaia. I did that, until it felt released.
Then, I sank into my womb, the womb of the Mother and rested. I don’t know who I am.
I continued practicing going into the womb and realized how much I was being nourished, rejuvenated, and reborn within this space. I began to look forward to the space depression was gifting me.
I went to the lake and floated again, asking to be purified.
That afternoon as I was visiting the womb space and listening, something rose out of the dark.
I saw a piece of me that wanted to punish. It wanted revenge, vengeance, and redemption. I noticed it was an aspect that wanted to punish myself.
I could see the story around it. “I am a bad person and deserve to be punished”
I asked, “what is the origin of this?”
A voice rose out of the dark saying, “you haven’t forgiven yourself for the abortion.”
I saw the baby at 12 weeks, my heart sank. I could see its fully formed body, felt its innocence. I started feeling like the womb could not be a safe space for me because this baby did not get to feel safe in the womb.
It got ripped out and killed. The truth of this hit me. I was a baby killer. I murdered a child.
The voice was urging me to find forgiveness but that seemed impossible.
I started building an altar and had no idea how to forgive myself for this. The voice of spirit said, “don’t look away”
As the visual scenes of horror flashed through my mind, I watched it all. Graphic blood, body parts. I watched and felt it all.
I cried and puked and cried some more. I named this child. I felt the child.
I continued this process as I picked flowers to honor the life. I prayed for forgiveness and that the child would be held in love.
At the end of the ceremony, I felt wrapped in peace. I felt that the baby was in a beautiful place with many rewards.
I am still working with this piece but feel like the “punisher” inside has been silenced.
I was lured by the dance and promise of passion, but Shakti had other plans. I got way more than I could have imagined.
Thank you Divine Mother, Earth Angels, and Dark Goddess for teaching me. You are lovely brilliance and a little bit scary.