Want to Stop Living Like a Servant?
Do These 3 Things
What qualities do you think of when you think of living like a servant?
What comes to mind first?
Do certain people pop into the picture?
I think of someone that can’t say “no.” Someone that works themselves to death doing something they don’t enjoy all for someone else.
This someone else usually does not treat them with respect and quite often ridicules them.
I think of a person that has become accustomed to being invisible, neglected, and forgotten.
They don’t feel like they deserve more than they have and couldn’t think of being rewarded for their efforts.
I think of a person that has settled for an empty life void of true happiness.
I can think of this type of person because I used to be just like this. I also have examples of others like this.
There is one in particular that stands out in my mind. This girl was young, energetic, beautiful, intelligent, and incredibly kind.
She had everything going for her, but she didn’t know it.
As a result, I watched her get passed over for promotions, and verbally abused on a regular basis.
It amazed me because she was the most attractive girl in the room but no one even noticed her and when they did it was usually out of annoyance.
Maybe you can relate. I did. In fact, she was a perfect reflection to see what I was doing to myself.
Have you ever had the experience of others talking over you, or feeling invisible in business meetings?
What about when you go out with your friends and you are the last one the cute guy or girl talks to.
It feels a lot like being the last to be picked for the volleyball team. It can leave you feeling like you want to run and hide.
I would often leave parties early to rush home to my comfy pj’s and Hallmark movies. It was at times just too unbearable. Sad, I know.
What about your family members constantly interrupting you like you are not even talking.
Have you ever been passed up for a promotion at work for someone that was more outgoing?
I have been there. I have to admit, it was at times just too unbearable.
[bctt tweet=”“If you are not taking responsibility for your state of consciousness, you are not taking responsibility for life.” ~ Eckhart Tolle”]
What Are You Advertising?
It would leave me feeling humiliated, small and terribly flawed. I would often ask myself, “what is wrong with me?” “Do I just put off a walk-all-over-me sign?”
The answer I got was, “yes, that is exactly what your sign says.”
That is when it hit me.
I was getting back exactly what I was advertising.
Unconsciously or not, I was advertising being a servant by my inner thoughts and outward cues. They were just responding accordingly.
My inner voice was beating the crap out of me…nonstop and I was listening.
I was believing it and acting accordingly. It had me convinced I did not deserve better.
When I started changing my inner thoughts and my outer actions, my life turned around.
You don’t have to keep living like a servant, being the one that others ask to run errands or do menial tasks.
You matter most in your world and it is not difficult to make the shift from servant to Queen.
What do you do about it?
1. Make yourself the priority
No one is going to treat you better than you treat yourself.
If you do not want others to walk on you, it is time to get off the floor.
When we stop putting others above us, they stop putting us down.
Speak up when you disagree or see a better solution. Your opinion matters and nothing bad will happen to you.
Pretend that you are the only one in the room. Stop hiding and let your voice be heard.
This can be a challenge for us kind hearted people pleasers but it is developing a new healthy habit.
It will become second nature in no time. At first, it might feel a little uncomfortable, but it will start to feel amazing.
Getting your power back will be liberating.
[bctt tweet=”“If you are living out of a sense of obligation you are a slave.” ~ Dr Wayne Dyer”]
2. Decide what you want and take action
Find a vision for your life, your career, your physical health. Where can you make your environment better?
Make it a point to leave beauty everywhere you go. Look for ways to give and enhance your world no matter where you are.
Realize that you have something unique to contribute in every situation.
Without a vision for yourself, you are either living on default or living according to others’ expectations. Both of these choices zap your personal power.
In a perfect world where all of your needs were met, what would the vision of your future look like?
Play with this. See several scenarios and notice how you feel.
Does one give you more relief than the other?
Does one of the scenarios ignite a deep passion?
Don’t worry about how it will happen. Just let your imagination run wild with possibilities.
When you have established a clear vision, make a plan of action. Take steps every day toward making your vision real.
3. Act like someone you would admire
Change your posture, smile, open up, ask questions, & make eye contact.
When I thought about people I admired, I noticed they all had a similar posture; shoulders back, erect spine, head up, eyes directed forward, and a bright open smile on their faces.
How do you feel when you see someone that is frowning or grimacing?
Does it make you want to walk the other way? What about when you see someone slumped over or constantly looking at the floor?
Think about a person that will not look you in the eye. Often, we have automatic responses to these types of cues.
We think they are hiding something, scared, untrustworthy, unfriendly, shy, insecure, angry or even dangerous.
These observations might not even be accurate but we normally don’t stick around to ask.
Our body language is speaking volumes to others even when we haven’t even approached them or opened our mouths.
We can unknowingly be sending messages to them requesting they ignore, neglect, abuse, or condemn us without even realizing it.
Start to become aware of how you hold your body, the way you enter a room, your eye contact, etc…
Years ago, I had a stage acting coach tell me something that has proven invaluable,
“The way you enter the stage can be the most important aspect of your performance. It is the first impression and the rest of your performance will fall into the category you established with your entrance.”
I took this to heart and even though I was going up against some seriously talented actors, I entered the stage like I was a Queen.
The performance was not great, but I got call backs. I was even offered scholarships. It blew my mind.
I remembered this years later when I read the book, Lions Don’t Need To Roar by D.A. Benton.
I realized I could use this in business, and in my life to stop living like a servant. You can too.
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P.S. I would love your feedback. Please comment below.
Also, if you’ve experienced feeling stuck in the past or symptoms of anxiety, visit Work With Misha.
Hi,
I’m currently struggling with depression and anxiety in a dysfunctional and toxic family. Basically, I’m constantly asked to do menial tasks- like cooking, washing the dishes, taking pictures for my sister without being paid for her business, and listening to her constant complaints. The thing is she has enough money to buy a professional photographer since I am not a professional photographer myself and she throws a fit when I say no. I’m uncertain as to why I need to do everything for her when she has the money to hire a professional. So, I am not sure what to do since my younger sister is the baby of the family and doesn’t respect me or mother.
Perhaps, the only thing that I have yet to try with your suggestions is to remain firm and have a strong body language.
I am so glad you shared your experience with this. I have been in a similar situation and was able to shift the one sided dynamic. I began reading books about codependency, which helped me a lot! I found a few ways that worked. Perhaps, you could experiment with gentle ways of saying, “no” to some of the menial tasks. In dynamics like these, it can take time to establish boundaries and hold firm. If you gradually do less and less, she will have to find someone else, or do it herself. It is common for the other person to become upset. You don’t have to stop everything at once and you are also deserving of asking for what you would like in return. I’ve found that if you continue to stay firm but very loving, they will be more willing to work together, rather than you doing all the work. Please stay in touch and let me know how it is going.
Hi Misha,
The situation has actually gotten worse and a little bit violent when I say no in a firm and authoritative way to doing things for her and setting healthy and protective boundaries for myself. It’s gotten to the point where my family members expect me to do things for her because she is the baby of the family. I’m the older one-she refuses to listen, be understanding, and compromise. I’m the one making constant compromises and bending over backwards for her.
Basically, I’m treated like garbage and the other family members are afraid of her, so they try to appease her by treating her like she is a queen. She orders everybody around and she is extremely demanding and inconsiderate and aggressive.
She has put me down, disrespected me, belittled, bullied, called me names, and participated in physical domestic abuse. I have mentioned it to other family members and authority figures like the pastor. But, they don’t know what to do besides separate us again.
This isn’t going to help because I refuse to be treated like a doormat and treated like garbage. I may have low self esteem and self worth but I’m through with her negative behavior.
It sounds like distance is the best thing you can do right now. Take care of yourself, first. You cannot do the inner work for her. You can only find a way to heal yourself and come into your own inner peace. Sending hugs and strength.
Thank you so much for your wise words of encouragement and understanding. They help me a lot. The distance and taking care of myself help so far.
Hi Misha,
Thank you for your wise words and encouragement. They are helpful during this challenging and trying times especially when my sister does not take responsibility for herself.
The distance helps me to see things from another perspective of gratitude instead of being a people pleaser when I take care of myself and attempt inner peace when she has moved on to a new victim.
I’m trying not to take things personally because it has more to do with her than me. That makes all the difference in the world to me.