When Did Abusive Sex Become Hot?

 ~

Let’s talk about sex. I am among the many women guilty of thinking that Christian Grey is sexy as hell, but why? When did I start thinking whips and chains were a turn on? I don’t even find that kind of sex arousing. How did I go from beautiful conscious love making with very evolved men to fantasies of spanking? It is interesting how when my self-esteem started taking a nose dive so did my standard of good sex. When I was too afraid to ask for what I wanted, I started settling for what I got. Then, I started believing I enjoyed it.

~

I asked myself what was so sexy about Christian Grey. This is what I discovered.

 ~

He is sure of himself

He is mysterious

He is passionate

He takes his time

He communicates his needs

He is vulnerable

He is warrior like

He knows who he is

He is sensual

He is strong

He does not apologize for what his desires

~

So if I take the abusive qualities out of the picture, these are qualities I desire. It is not the way he likes to have sex.

~

I can even take it a level further. These are the qualities I want to bring out in myself.  As women, we do not always feel comfortable being the huntress, the seductress, and the one that is in charge. Some of us have tried to embrace this part of us only to find we are left alone. We have let the warrior come out and scared the crap out of the man in the bed with us. Then, we learn to quietly go back to our cage. We learn to be docile and tame again.

~

I realize I am not speaking for everyone because there are women that are very comfortable with the wilder and more dominant parts of themselves. However, I do want to address another aspect of this.

~

I believe our examples of power have either been powerful men or women emulating powerful men. In my experience when I have unleashed the huntress, it has been so overwhelming and aggressive it has taken the role of the masculine in the partner dynamic. Then the masculine either has to take the role of the feminine and submit or run, which is what happens a lot of the time.

~

~

I have since realized there is another way. When the feminine is fully embraced, the shadow aspects (repressed parts of us), can be soft and hugely alluring. It does not need to be aggressive in a combative way but can still move like the enormous surge of a Tsunami.

It can have the power equal to the masculine but with a different flavor. It does no good at all for the feminine to mimic or even submit to the masculine. This only results in a lack of respect from both sides. The masculine craves a fully balanced and empowered feminine energy. The problem has been that we have been following the lead of the masculine to find ourselves and looking in the wrong place entirely.

~

The ironic part is that we have done this by the forceful hand of the masculine which has no clue how to show us our true feminine aspects. We must trust and allow these dormant pieces of ourselves to blossom from within.

 ~

 ~

The time of letting men show us what our pleasure looks like is an outdated way. Our bodies are Divine and meant for hours of pleasure. Why would we continue to settle for a forceful and aggressive quickie when we are designed to have full body orgasms for hours? Why are we still asking them for permission and submitting to uncomfortable positions to make sure they enjoy it?

~

 Our female bodies respond best when they become soft and open. Shoving something into them with aggression only causes a hardness within our bodies and souls. It forces us into a masculine space instead of in a space of soft reception. Some women have even lost their ability to have orgasms as a result of years of forcing themselves away from their natural state of openness.

~

 ~

How many full body orgasms have you had? When was the last time you had multiple orgasms for hours and felt completely satisfied? When was the last time you felt so cherished it brought you closer to Divinity/God/Higher Self?

~

It is time for us to start cherishing our bodies as more than just a vagina and tits. This may sound harsh but we have allowed magazines, porn, movies, and men to decide what is acceptable. We have followed their lead in deciding our own worth and we have put ourselves through hell trying to live up to these standards.

~

Please don’t get me wrong, I am not a feminist in the traditional sense and I am by no means a man hater. I have huge admiration for the masculine that is in balance.  More than ever I am learning to honor the masculine inside myself. Because of this, I am aware of the out of balance masculine and feminine energies that have become prevalent in our world.

~

It starts with us. As long as we keep following the lead of others, we will remain imprisoned in limitations. You may say, “well that is just the way men are” or “well it has always been this way and it will stay that way.” I say this is not true any longer.

You know those women that seem to have it all and yet they are not perfect models?  You try to figure out what they have that makes them so damned happy and successful and…

~

What is it about them? I know a few of these and have driven myself crazy asking this same question.

~

Let me ask you the more important question. Would you like to feel happy, cherished, sexier, more youthful, more empowered, more confident, or radiantly beautiful? You can. Stop and breathe this into your heart.  You can.

~

Would you like to drive men crazy with desire and have a line of men wishing to serve you? Would you like to feel more bliss and pleasure? You can. It is so simple. At first, I did not even believe it. I disregarded the advice for years. I ignored it, thinking it had to be hard. Some part of me felt like I needed to suffer first. Some part of me did not think I was worth it.

~

I even thought I loved myself but then my life kept showing me otherwise. It was easier to accept love that hurt than receive what I was worth. Then when I would get what I was worth, I  would find a way to sabotage it.

~

This perpetual loop of getting less than I was worth, left me constantly yearning for more. I wasn’t even sure what I was longing for.

~

The longing got so intense, that I finally made a change. It did not happen overnight, but it did change.

~

You can make the decision right now to stop settling for less than you are worth. You can start slowly, by making a list of how you want to feel.  Make your own list and write it down. You can start with things you wish your boyfriend or significant other would do for you.  I have given a few examples below.

~

I want to feel loved

I want to feel needed

I want to feel cherished

I want to feel worshiped

I want to feel young and sexy

I want to feel admired

I want to feel accomplished

~

Then, take your hands and place them over your heart while you change the statements. Take 3 deep breaths between each statement. Do this every day.

~

I love myself. I am loved.

I am needed.

I cherish myself. I am cherished

I worship myself. I am worshiped

I am young.

I am sexy.

I admire myself. I am admired.

I accomplish everything I set out to do. I am accomplished.

~

 As you practice this, you will become aware of your needs as they come up throughout your day. When you feel yourself getting frustrated, you can stop and ask yourself what it is that you need. Then, do this exercise. You will start to feel a shift inside yourself and in others around you. It will surprise you how effective this exercise can be.

~

As you get deeply in touch with your needs, you will begin to get more specific.  Allow your list to change as situations present themselves in your life.

~

I am honoring and enjoying my own body more than ever.  I am no longer willing to compromise in places that do not match with my ultimate worth. The most beautiful part is that as a result of my decision to practice this, my relationships have become more incredible and rich. My world is changing around me as a result of my dedication to filling my needs.

~

I began exploring sensual dance. Then, I decided to practice basic Tantra techniques which are amazingly more profound than I ever new. Even the most basic exercises can take your pleasure to a whole new level.

~

The more that we as women start to recognize our needs and our true worth, the more the world will line up with us. We get to decide what is beautiful through our innate Divinity.